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DGRFA
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DGRFA


By Chelsea2
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Chapter One


There you are
In a darkened room
And you’re all alone
Looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
Come to me, Come to me
Can’t you see that

Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body’s longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it’s slipping away
And I’ve been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why...
Why don’t you let me love you?

 


He watched her as she sat dwelling in her own misery. This tortured soul bear no resemblance to the Amazon Queen that she was just a few days ago, the one that led a suicide mission to save one of their own. The one who had to make all the tough decisions. The one who had sacrificed one of her own to the sharks just to buy the rest of the Amazon some time. The one who had to turn her back on all that she believed in and acted like the Queen that she was.

The battle finally over, everyone that survived the bloody combat came home with a heavy heart. But they all have each other to rely on, their sisters to share their burden with, except her. Not a tear has been shed since, she had came home, organized the mass burial service, saluted the warriors that died in battle, made a commitment on rebuilding the Amazon Nation. To the rest of the world, she didn’t spend any time wallowing in misery. She had refused to even acknowledge the fact that she needed time to heal, time to reflect on her actions, and the consequences. She had just gone on as if nothing happened.

But Ares knew that was not the truth. She has simply been hiding. Hiding from her grieves, from her anger, from her self-loathing. She had pushed everyone away because she didn’t think she deserved to be forgiven. Once she let herself into her own hut, she had done nothing but to relive every single moment of that mission. It was supposed to be a rescue mission, but somehow it had turned into a suicide mission. Their battle with Bellerophon had decimated her troops. A handful of them came back with her after a long and devastating battle. Yes, they had brought back Varia, the reason for their journey, but at what cost? More importantly, at what cost to her soul?


Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body’s longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it’s slipping away
And I’ve been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why...
Why don’t you let me love you?


The tears were threatening to overwhelm her, but she refused to cry. She refused to let tears wash away her pain. She wanted the pain; it has been a constant companion for the past few days. Ares sighed. He hated to see her like this, but he also knew that he was the last person she would want to see. She had pushed everyone away from her, including her best friend Xena. Xena had tried on numerous occasions to talk with her about what happened, but Gabrielle had always maintained that she did what she had to do, and she was perfectly okay with her decisions. Xena didn’t believe that for a second, but with the bard’s continuous effort to push her away, there wasn’t a whole lot that she could have done.

Ares had seen Varia pass by her hut every so often, but the former Amazon Queen had always left without entering after hesitating for a long while. Ares wished she had talked with Gabrielle. Gabrielle understood Varia’s attempt on her life as a desperate means to saving her Amazon sisters, why couldn’t she forgive her own actions which were based on the same thought process? He wished he had the courage to just go to her and comfort her.


Can you hear my voice
Do you hear my song
It’s a serenade
So your heart can find me
And suddenly you’re flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby
Before I start going crazy
Run to me
Run to me
Cause I’m dying


She leaned back and tossed her head back. From his position, Ares could clearly see the pain etched on her face. He found himself no longer able to just stand by and watch her tearing her soul apart. Without giving himself time to consider his action, he stepped through the threshold and softly walked over to her. So immersed was she in her own misery, Gabrielle didn’t even realize he was there until he sat down beside her and gently tilted face upward. What he saw there tugged at his heart. She looked so lost, so hurt, so...lonely.


Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body’s longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it’s slipping away
And I’ve been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why...
Why don’t you let me love you?


“Don’t.” She slapped his hand away and jumped up, taking two steps back.

“Gabrielle please, I’m here to help.”

“Help? I don’t need your kind of help Ares.” She desperately tried to regain her composure, but was not entirely successful.

“You’ve got to stop blaming yourself. I know you feel guilty and confused, but you emerged from this experience mentally tougher and stronger.” He said quietly, hoping his soothing voice would calm her down. “You’ve just passed your most difficult test, finding that inner strength that helped you to do what you thought was impossible.”

Gabrielle just shook her head from side to side. “That person out there was not me. It was the Amazon Queen.”

“No, I agree. That person was not Gabrielle, the bard, the Warrior of Peace, but it was the Amazon Queen, and you, you are the Amazon Queen Gabrielle. When you told Xena that you have to be ruthless in order to save them, you were only speaking the truth. You’ve got to accept it, accept what you have done, accept the tough choices, and accept your role in shaping the future of the Amazon Nation.”

Days of pushing everyone away had finally taken its toll on her. Gabrielle surprised herself when she found it was easier to lean on Ares, borrow his strength and let him walk with her through her painful recollection of what happened. “I’m so lost...do you even have any idea how low I feel right now?” When he put his arm around her, turning her to face him, she didn’t pull away. Instead she seemed to gain comfort from his embrace and quietly mumbled. “I feel like I’ve tossed out everything that I’ve ever believed in. I feel like I’m a totally different person, one that I despise. Do you know how much I hate myself right now?”

“I know. I’ve been watching you.” He returned in an equally quiet voice. “But you were not presented with any other alternatives. Yes, you had to give up on a few in order to save the majority. That’s what we all have to go through when we are in battle. It’s never an easy decision, but it’s an unavoidable one.”

“To save the majority?” She laughed, but there was no humor in her voice, only self-depreciation. “We left with a boatload of Amazons; we came back with less than one dozen. How did I mess up so badly? I’ve never wanted to be the queen. I’m not fit to be the queen. I’m not fit to make this kind of decisions. I’m not fit to do anything.”

“Gabrielle, you were ambushed. You...” She cut him off. “A good leader would not have walked right into that trap. I led them there. I killed them...”

“Don’t.” For the first time, Ares finally realized that her guilt was two folded. He thought it would be difficult to help her extinguish one demon, now he found himself facing two. “Every Amazon who went on the mission went there on their own free will. And every one of them knew that it was always a possibility that they would not return. Every warrior takes a chance when he goes into battle. There are no guarantees in life, for any body. It could just as easily been you who died out there. Yes, you were the leader; you took on a job that has no reward. You did what you had to do Gabrielle. Look at the other side of the mirror, those that came back, came back because of you. You made some very difficult decisions and ultimately you managed to save at least some of the Amazons. You‘ve made a commitment to rebuilding a strong Amazon Nation. They are looking for you to guide them there. Don‘t disappoint them.”

“I don’t see it that way.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “Maybe if Xena were in charge, we wouldn’t have lost so many of them. I’m not ready for this. I don’t have the heart to do this. Maybe I should have pulled back more, or maybe I should have been more aggressive. I’ll never know, will I? I mean how much of my decision affected the out come?”

“Your decision was to come home with any many of them as you possibly can. You tackled that problem, made the decision for the benefit of the Amazons. You could have had taken the easy way out, and made the decision that would ease your guilt. You could have just sat there and let them all die, but you didn’t. Look at the bigger picture Gabrielle. You need to move on. You weren’t heartless, you haven’t changed, and you just did what you had to do. We are all more than what we seem on the surface. When you are the bard, you are full of compassion and creativity, but as the Amazon Queen, you tapped deep inside to find the strength that you didn’t know existed. I know you are hurting, but don’t push everyone away. Xena wants to help you, your Amazons want to help you, and I want to help you. You don’t have to go through this on your own.”

“It’s what I deserve.”

“Would you have let Xena grieve on her own?” He questioned softly and was relieved to see those green eyes flashed in wonder. “You need someone, we all do. Let me be here for you.”


I wanna feel you need me
Just like the air you’re breathing
I need you here in my life
Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away

Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body’s longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it’s slipping away
And I’ve been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why...
Why don’t you let me love you?

 

 

 

The End




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