“Kathryn, do you mind lending me some of your books. I’ve read the ones that I have and I don’t want to waste any replicator rations.” Chakotay asked, as he waited for Kathryn to emerge from her bedroom. “Especially, since someone, who will remain unnamed ‘borrows’ so many rations for coffee.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Chakotay. I don’t borrow rations I acquire rations,” Kathryn called out with a small laugh. “Captain’s fee.”
“Really, I’ll have to remember that. “ Chakotay responded thoughtfully. “Maybe I’ll start charging a First Officer’s fee.”
“Great idea, Chakotay, that way I can increase mine! Get started that plan right away, Commander.” Janeway ordered. “Image, I could have coffee all the time then.”
“As opposed to now?” Chakotay shot back, laughing, “Kathryn, if you drank any more coffee per day, you’d turn into a giant coffee bean or become allergic to it.”
“Bite your tongue, Commander.” Kathryn growled playfully. “The books that you wanted are on the table, Chakotay.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“No, go ahead. I’ve finished reading all of those and I’ll even let you have the replicator rations, as your benevolent leader.” Kathryn replied, as she stepped out of her bedroom, dressed in her uniform.
“How generous of you!” Chakotay replied, bowing down before her. “ Thank you, my Queen.”
“Chakotay! What have I told about bringing that up?” Kathryn sputtered, glaring at him as she blushed.
“I remember, but you look so cute when you blush,” he responded with a grin.
“Starfleet Captain’s are not cute! One day, Chakotay,” she teased,” someone going to take you down a peg for your warped sense of humor.”
“I thought that was your job, to keep me in my place,” Chakotay responded, as he reached forward and grabbed the dozen books stacked in a tidy pile.
“Oh, it is, but one day I’ll let Paris have a go at it,” Kathryn threatened mockingly.
“No, you wouldn’t. You enjoy it too much to let someone else have that much fun.” Chakotay snickered.
She smacked him lightly on the shoulder, “Back to work, minion.”
“At once, my Qu-“ He replied, flashing a dimpled smile at her.
The sound of their laughter echoed through out the room.
Later that evening, Chakotay was trying to decide which novel to read. Period Romances seemed to be Kathryn’s favorite. Pride and Prejudice; Wuthering Heights; Sense and Sensibility; all well read but carefully cared for. He shifted through them until he came to the last one in the pile.
It was a plain, creamy brown leather bound book. Void of any writing on the cover to hint at the story concealed within its pages. Intrigued, he carefully opening it and saw the delicate handwriting flowing across each page. Sitting down, he began to read it, not realizing at first the gift that he held within his hands.
I was stunned at the attraction that I felt when I first saw the Maquis Captain I had been sent to capture. The image of him on the view screen was nothing compared to the seeing he standing proudly before her. His rich, dark eyes filled with anger as he stepped towards Paris.
Kathryn’s Diary. If she ever found that, he had read this he was a dead man. He should return it to her but was compelled by a force greater than him to read forward. He would only read the first page and then put it aside.
Pressing against him, I fought for control. A wave of longing swept over me and I barely managed to stop my body from arching against him. I tried to remind myself of Mark but the image of the leather clad Maquis overwhelmed me. He had captured me within his heated gaze and I couldn’t break free. I had been sent to capture him but I knew that it was the other way around. I was captivated by him and I wasn’t trying that hard to escape.
She had felt it too. That instant connection between them. He could still picture their first meeting vividly. He had been full of anger and ready to knock Paris on his arrogant ass when this tiny pint size, auburn haired captain stepped in to the fray. A feisty, brave woman that captured his attention the minute he had seen her on the viewscreen and heard her husky voice call out his name.
When her hand had slapped hard against his chest and he wanted nothing more than to grab her and press her close to him. Spirits only knew how if restrained himself. He found himself following her, completely enthralled by her grace, beauty and caring.
He knew he should stop reading before Kathryn discovered the Diary missing and came after him with phaser ready but if he already in trouble what would a few more pages do…
Ever since we had been stranded on this idyllic paradise, Chakotay had been creating things to make our lives more comfortable. I felt him give up on us every finding a cure and leaving New Earth. I was so angry with him! How could he just give up? Didn’t he want to return home?
Instead of trying to find a cure, he was creating a home for us here, not willing to sacrifice the present for a future that might not happen. I refused to give up until the very last moment when fate took that choice away from me later that day. Everything had been destroyed, all my work and equipment, gone in a matter of minutes. I disparately clung to him; he was my strength and shelter from the storm. Some one that I could depend when all I wanted to do was curl into tiny ball and hide from the world...
Later that evening, he brushed aside my long hair and rested his hands against my shoulders, tenderly massaging the stiffening muscles. I leaned back into his broad chest and felt him stop. His hands seared through the thin fabric of my nightgown and for the first time in my live, I Kathryn Janeway ran away.
As I lay there trying to sleep, I realized that he had a power over me that I had never felt, a power that could easily overwhelm me until I no longer existed but became a shadow of my former self.
I could hear his movements outside the thin partition and knew that we needed to set some parameters for our relationship. Chakotay sat before me and opened his heart to me concealing his love behind an ancient legend. Tears flowed down my face as I clasped his hand in mine. Gently his thumb caressed over my flesh, comforting and starting a small fire of desire to burn brightly. I longed to reach up and stroke his brow, gently tracing his tattoo. I wanted nothing more than to feel his strong arms surround me in a protective embrace.
As I closed my eyes that night, I dreamt of our being together. Our bodies tightly entwined, golden copper forever entwined with pearly white. I imaged our hands lovingly stroking over each other as we moved towards fulfillment, pleading and uttering words of love.
I woke the next morning content, we had plenty of time to move forward, or so I thought. Nothing shattered my soul as much as hearing the unwelcome sound of those comm badges.
Kathryn was forever gone. The carefree woman who planted a tomato garden and had started to plant the seeds for a blossoming love, needed to be hidden from view and concealed until she fulfilled her duty.
Captain Janeway was once again needed, but how I hated her on that day. As I gazed upon onyx eyes filled with pain of my warrior and silently raged against the fates, his gentle understanding smile, more stinging than the hardest slap.
It’s odd that I speak of myself as another person but that is what the Captain has become to me. She is the toughened outer shell that protects all, keeping me hidden and safe but at the same time trapped.
Only within this pages, can I truly be honest and without fear of repercussions.
I, Kathryn Janeway fell in love with Chakotay on a small planet we called New Earth. Our goodbyes were tense and silent, no more than mere nods to each other. However, here in this diary, away from prying eyes, is where my heart says farewell. We may be inches away from each other physical but I have to place a barrier that not even can surpass. Protocol, how I've come to hate that word.
Goodbye my love, may we soon find a way to each other.
Love, Kathryn of New Earth
All these years, he had thought that those peaceful days spent on New Earth had meant nothing to her. That he was only a diversion for the boredom of the day-to-day life they had be forced to begin. That he was not really wanted but all she had to depend on.
He had felt her resistance to that life and hadn’t pressed her. After all, he had plenty of time. He had seen the growing awareness in her eyes as each day went by. It was the night of the storm that he realized that he had fallen love with her. He had been frantically looking for her, when he saw her collapsed form on the ground, with a lump in his throat he quick made his way to her prone body, praying that she was all right.
That night as the storm raged and tore apart their new home, he had cradled her in his arms, protecting her. If he closed his eyes, he could still smell the delicate scent of her rose shampoo, a scent that she hadn’t worn since their return. A scent that was uniquely Kathryn and that she felt needed to be suppressed.
Chakotay closed he eyes briefly against the renew pain he felt. So many things hidden.
It had all been a deception. The wormhole to the Alpha Quadrant turned out to be another one of the Delta Quadrants death traps. I had felt the happiness and joy at getting my crew home and at finally being free to be with him.
At last, I could put aside the illusions that you were only my first officer and best friend. I remembered the warmth of your arms and the smooth velvet touch of your lips upon mine. I had met your lips hungrily, allowing the years of suppressed desires to melt away with your loving touch. Passion flared between us as I arched against you hungrily, my body craving your touch.
Waking up on the bridge, I almost shrieked hysterically. I never lost control but that one moment, I wanted to weep for what I had so foolishly thrown away. I knew than, that no matter how many years passed, my heart belonged to you and nothing would ever get in the way of that love.
He had the same dream but never knew that she had shared the same vision. He could still remember the petal softness of her lips as he brushed over them slowly; he had deepened the kiss needing to taste sweetness of her. That dream kiss was a scorching memory that he had clung to in these lonely nights.
Chakotay flipped through the diary, finally stopping at the incident where he had almost lost all hope. It had been dark days for them, so much anger and hurt. This was the moment where it all had started to unravel for them and it would have continued until there was nothing left, both of them to stubborn to back down and listen to each other. Both of them ignoring a promise made long ago.
How did I let things go so far? I was willing to throw everything away for revenge. For the first time in this voyage, I saw the coldhearted monster that if I wasn’t on guard I could easily become. Someone one who would justify using force, in order to get her way. Some one who played God, as if she had that right. I could try to lie or dress up but I will always be honest here.
Today, I almost killed a man. My blindness and stubbornness almost left me forever stained with the blood of a man following his Captain’s orders.
You tried to stop me. However, not even seeing the look of shock, anger and disgust within your eyes stopped me from the path I was willing to take.
In my quest for Ransom, I had told Lessing, that we all make our own hell. And now I’m trapped within it, anchorless in a violent churning sea of bruised emotions, hatred and betrayal, unable to find the balance and strength to fight against falling further into this darkness.
My heart ached as I saw how my betrayal, almost destroyed our bond and friendship, Chakotay. I had sworn to myself, that I would never to betrayal you, as so many in your past had done but in my quest for vengeance, I was willing to sacrifice all, in my madness for justice.
I stand looking around Voyager’s destroyed bridge. A place that symbolized our strength and unity, now a broken room, walls tore and scorched by the heat of phasers. Much like our relationship, only damaged by words, instead of phaser and the wounds are much deeper and not so easily healed.
Did you ever know how I felt when you let me back into your circle? When you offered to hang our plaque, that final barrier was lifted and I started to live again. I had been trapped by my own arrogance but you provided the tether to pull me free.
Later that evening as I was getting ready for Neelix’s party, I stood in front of the bulkheads separating our quarters. You had saved me twice in one day and I can’t thank you the way you deserve, the way that I longed to. Reaching up, I press a kiss into my palm and lay it against the wall. My hand lingers before I reluctantly pull away. Here I was foolishly kissing a lifeless wall, when you were just next door, your love there for me to grab hold of, if only I was brave enough to try.
For now though, this is the closest I can be to you and I don’t have the right to ask for more. I can only hope that when that moment arrives you’ll still care for me.
‘Damn you, Kathryn, all these years wasted. If only you had looked at me, for once not concealing everything behind the mask that you wore. I had waited for a sign from you that you wanted more but you were to stubborn. You’ve hidden behind protocols for so long that one knows how to reach you. I can’t reach you no matter what I try. You’ve kept me at arms length and I was stupid to allow it to happen.’He paced the room angrily. The diary clenched tightly within his hand. He wanted to go to the bridge as shake her until her regained her senses. He breathed deeply and calmed himself. There were only a few more entries to read, once he was finished he would decide what he wanted to do.
I remembered everything. I know that I joked with you about the wine being in the cargo bay, made it seem that as the Captain, I had all the answers, but I remember Chakotay.
When you first grabbed me and pressed me close to your body, I was ashamed at how I felt. I was a woman engaged but I felt like I had finally found my home within your arms. As I was held captive by the Maquis Captain, all I wanted to do was collapse into your strong embrace.
I can still see us marching through the corridors, seeing glimpses of my future and you reliving sections of our past. The adventure before us, each drawing strength from one and another, as we fought to save our ship.
I remember the wave of desire that swept over me as our eyes met for that final time in Engineering. I forced my hand not tremble as it was grasped tenderly within yours.
The heat of your hand branded me and though invisible, it marked me as yours. Did you know how much I cursed you that day? Why didn’t you lie to me and tell me we were lovers? Perhaps things would now be different. Perhaps, instead of every night going to my lonely quarters, we would be together. Damn the time line and you for being so much of a gentleman.
I had wanted nothing more than for you to take control, sweep me off my feet and give me the kiss that I had foolishly forsaken so long ago.
When you didn’t, doubts started racing throughout my mind. Maybe the spark that was once between us has been forever extinguished.
Perhaps I imaged it, it’s been so long.
Chakotay brushed lightly over the raised page, where Kathryn’s tears had smeared the ink and crinkled the page. His heart ached as he read her words of love. If it hadn’t been for this diary, he would have lost hope. Each day that he spent away from her had been slowly eating away at his soul. He had almost reached the point were he needed to let her go. For his owe sanity. He couldn’t continue this way, near the woman he loved but forever denied her touch.
But now her words were a soothing balm upon his emotions, a delicate touch that calmed the roaring anger and a gentle revelation that provided the necessary energy to invigorate his soul. A confirmation that the love that they had once almost shared hadn’t been forgotten but kept merely kept locked deep within their hearts, a forbidden secret for all.
After seven years of playing cat and mouse games, he was going to claim his prize. This time he wasn’t willing to accept that they couldn’t have more than friendship, this time the warrior was going to claim his mate.
It was what she wanted and what he had dreamed of doing from the first day of their journey together and nothing was going to stop him, not even Captain Janeway.
Kathryn Janeway strolled down the corridor towards her quarters when the sensation that she was being watched swept over her. She paused and looked back down the corridor, empty of any crewmember.
She shook her head and continued forward, only to be grabbed and dragged into the shuttle bay. Her surprised cry, stifled by the hand thrown over her mouth. She struggled against the arm holding her but found herself trapped tightly against her attacker.
“Hello Kathryn,” Chakotay whispered, lips brushing against her ear lobe.
She froze in shock. ‘Chakotay! What the hell was he doing?’
“I should have done this a long time ago but I wanted to respect your wishes. I held myself back, kept everything hidden because of those damn Starfleet protocols.” Chakotay stated. “When every instinct urged me to take you and make you mine, I stopped myself. Do you know why?”
Kathryn closed her eyes and shook her head.
“It wasn’t what you wanted me to do. After all these years, I had begun to accept that we would never be together in this world. I had started to close the door forever but today all that changed.”
She turned towards him, her eyes pleading with him. Slowly he uncovered her mouth.
“Why?” She whispered, a slight tremble in her husky voice.
“I found something out. Something you’ve kept hidden from me. Something you’ve lied to me about for the last seven years,” he replied harshly, spinning her around to face him.
“I haven’t – “
“I know that you have, Kathryn,” he interrupted. “I’ve seen the proof myself.”
“What proof?” She cried out, struggling. “Chakotay, please let go.”
“This is what you wanted.”
“What are you talking about? I’ve never asked you to do this.” She replied icily. “Unless you want to have the brig as a permanent home, I suggest you let go of me immediately, Commander.”
“No, Captain. This doesn’t involve you. This is between Kathryn and Chakotay.” He snapped. “This is about the past and things left unfinished.”
“There’s nothing in the past to resolve. We’ve already been through this. I’m sorry that you can’t except that but you know that I –“
Chakotay leaned forward and kissed her. Tearing down the last barrier between them forever. His tongues brushed against her lips, teasing them until they opened for him. With a groan, he deepened the kiss. Tongues trusted against each other, eagerly exploring the moist cavern. His hands stroked along her body, before sweeping down to hips and rocking her against him.
Kathryn returned the kiss in a daze. All those years of craving his touch, imaging his kiss, she was finally where is belonged. His tongue retreated and hers quickly followed, tangling to duel together. She whimpered as he pulled away from her. Her hands clutched at his shoulders preventing him from pulling completely away from her.
“Now tell me you don’t want this,” he dared her, “Tell that this meant nothing to you.”
“You know I can’t,” she murmured, blue eyes filling with tears. “If we were in the Alpha Quadrant things could be different but here, I can never be more than a captain. I thought you understood that. I’ve never said that I wanted more from you than your friendship, Chakotay.”
“No, you’ve never told me but I have it from a good source that this is what you wanted.” Chakotay replied. “You’ve wanted me to grab you and take that decision away from you, Kathryn.”
“No,” she denied.
“Yes, you’ve wanted me to put away the proper Starfleet officer and become the Maquis Captain.” He countered, “From now on, on duty you’ll have Starfleet officer but off duty you have to deal with the rebel captain, Kathryn.”
She stared at him, eyes wide. ‘What brought this on?’
“Chakotay, we should discuss-“ She urged, trying to reason with him.
“I’m done talking protocols, Kathryn. You wanted a man of action and not a gentleman, next time be careful what you wish for. As you see, you’ve got your wish.” He said smugly.
‘Gentleman? What does that mean? Oh, my –‘ She gasped.
“How did you get my diary?” She asked furiously, through clenched teeth, “And why did you read it.”
“Remember the books you lent me. It was among them. Almost like you wanted me to find out,” he mused thoughtfully. “Now I have a question for you.”
“Go on,” she spat, glaring at him.
“When are you going to be brave enough to try? Or are you going to trapped us in this hell forever, not allowing us a chance. Our only contact through a bulkhead wall.” He demanded, shaking her slightly. “You’ve fought everything this quadrant has sent our way, fight for us, Kathryn.”
“What if you die on an away mission that I sent you to? It would destroy me if I ordered you to your death. How could I lead this ship? What type of Captain would I become? I can’t take the chance.”
“If I were to die today, would it hurt less, Kathryn? Would you regret having loved and lost me or never allowing yourself to love at all? Don’t you worry about sending me on away missions now? How would it be any different?” He pleaded with her, his arms holding onto her arms, not wanting to let her go.
He was right. She already worried about his safety. How would she feel if he did die and she never told him how she felt about him? Life was too short to live in fear but that first step seemed impossible. She looked into his eyes and saw the love reflected there, giving her the courage to take that final step.
“I do love you, Chakotay.” She whispered softly, almost after that something would happen.
“And I love you, Kathryn.” He replied, thanking the spirits for this precious gift.
His hand entwined with hers and he pulled her closer to him as he reached down to kiss her gently. All these years of hidden desire, unfulfilled dreams and unspoken promises finally brought to a close and all because of her diary.
“Chakotay,” she murmured against his lips. “You do realize that I going to hurt for reading my diary when you least expect it.”
“I’ll just have to find a way of keeping you distracted whenever you get that urge.” He said, pulling away to gaze into her twinkling blue eyes.
“I don’t know if you can. You know how stubborn I be,” she replied with a crooked grin.
“I think I know how to distract you,” he growled.
“You only try,” Kathryn replied, winking at him.
She reached up and pulled his lips to hers, eagerly kissing him with all the passion and love that she had kept hidden. At last finding peace within each other’s embrace.